|How do I deal with people talking about me and my cutting?
I have to face this a lot, even here in my guest book someone said I am showing off.
Here is how I look at it, People are scared off by what they don't understand and that's why they talk about me. Because I have something they are scared of. I would like everyone to know though just in case, I am not showing off, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I simply want to help people under stand me and my illness. And what its like to be a cutter, maybe even help one of you. So please read on with an open mind !
My stay at Haritage Oaks.
Well my stay at the hospital had its ups and downs. It was fun sometimes like being able to talk about my problems to people who understand what I was saying and feeling. It was also cool to meet new people. I met this little 13 year old named Crystal and I will never for get her. She had so much pain and hurt and plus hate in side her. You could see it in her eyes.
But they had some dumb rules in there. we couldn't have are shoes or laces. No pens, pencils, or markers. You could not keep you shampoo, soap, gel, or tooth paste in your rooms or bath room. One guy tried to OD, on all the above. then there is the five feet band, were you can't touch anyone.
But all in all the place helped me a lot. It was hard my family coming in and seeing me then leaving, and I couldn't go. They said "oh its not that bad." yeah well they should have stayed a night there and told me it's not that bad. I usually would cut or bite after they left. so I could feel something.I couldn't always bite cut or burn in there so I threw everything I ate up. I only wish that I didn't leave when I did. I was in for 21 days and I thought that I was ready to come home. but I was wrong.
I have cut since I have been home and it is so hard not to vomit to, I guess you would say I have bulimia too. I don't have it as bad as I did in the hospital. That's what I can think of at this point and time about my stay at Heritage Oaks.
WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A CUTTER.
Have you ever heard the saying, "I have to bleed to know I am alive"? well that's how it feels to be a cutter.
I usually cut when I get a emotion I can't or don't know how to express. Then I go numb. after I go numb, I slip in to a daze, (like rite before you are asleep and all the voices and noises are hollow and drowned out)after I have slipped I am not really sure of what happens. I know I have bit, burnt cut or vomited, because I awaken as soon as the deed is done.
You are saying... "WOW CRAZY SHIT!" yeah well tell me about it. I have been scared to death a few times
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